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Here are some jokes, strange stories etc. to pass the time. Some are old, some risqué. Hopefully nobody will be offended.

 

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' Millwall .'

A leaflet came through my door this morning, it said, 'If you are an alcoholic, call this number.......' So I did. It was the bloody Off Licence!

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.. They asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

I was at a very awkward party last night in an Igloo. I tried to break the ice, but it just made things worse.

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on anti-climaxes.
The librarian says, "Certainly sir, you can find a range of books on the first floor in section A". The man thanks him, finds a suitable book, rents it out with his card and could not have been more courteous.

Scientists have confirmed that only 3 things would survive a nuclear war:
1) Cockroaches
2) Scorpions
3) The DFS Sale

Feminism: because not all women can be beautiful.

Women who say, "The process of childbirth is the most amazing thing in the world." have obviously never listened to a music playlist on random and guessed the next track.

Wow, I'm sailing solo across the pacific, I'm thousands of miles from the next human being, but I can still find sexy girls in my area that are dying for sex, the wonders of the internet...

I bought Bob Marley's old gun. It was good, but it kept jamming.

A spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

GOOD QUESTION, or JUST STUPID?

'If women are so perfect at multitasking , how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?'

FLOWER SHOP FOR MEN

ZEN TEACHINGS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fac, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'. Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.' --Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. ' --Mellanie, 7 years old

'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.' --Grady, 7 years old

''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.' --Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much. --Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.' --Lilly, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.' --Ethan, 7 years old 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.' --Shirley, 7 years old

'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.' --Jack, 7 years

TWENTY QUID

On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new husband and asked for £20.00 for their first sexual encounter. In his highly a roused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly £1 million.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over £1Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

And that's when she shot him.

 

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS ! ! !

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill...followed by Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one." -- Winston Churchill

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." --Oscar Wilde

Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!" Winston replied, "Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!"

Lady Astor also once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, "Sir Winston, you're drunk!" To which, Winston replied, "Yes, Madam, I am. And you're ugly! But in the morning, I will be sober. And you will still be ugly!"

Burger Bar

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: £1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : £2.50
HAND JOB: £50.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers. 'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'
'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'
'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'
The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger

Pearly Gates

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St.Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the man offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off, or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed .. 'When did this happen?'
' Couple of minutes ago.'

Old Age

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Fitness

I feel like my body has got totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Bad Day

I rear ended a car this morning...
I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy".
I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's when the fight started!!!

The Bridge

A man was riding his Harley alongside a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head. Then, in a booming voice, the Lord said,

"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish. "

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want . "

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources . I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things . Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind. "

The biker thought about it for a long time .. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy . "

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

GENUINE LETTER TO DEFRA

Rt Hon David Miliband MP Secretary of State,
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA)
Nobel House 17 Smith Square
London SW1P 3JR

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 From the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the “not rearing pigs” business.

In your opinion what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs. But if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds Such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping and accurate record of How many pigs I haven’t reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is – until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all those pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another point: these pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I Understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don’t rear?

I am also considering the “not milking cows” business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.

I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.

Yours faithfully,

Nigel Johnson-Hill

Rules for Cats to Live By

BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open,stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug,shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot.

HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping,"otherwise known as "hampering."

Following are the rules for "hampering:"

1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,unless you can lie across the book itself.

3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.

4) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.

5) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their co-ordination skills.

BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT:
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around,and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests!

New Ferrari pit crew

The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK government's youth opportunity scheme and employ young people from Liverpool.

The decision to hire them was brought about after a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high-tech equipment.

Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have the advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for.

At the crews first practice session the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 60 seconds they had resprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the Mclaren team for 8 bottles of Stella; a kilo of speed, and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

George W

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident"

"OH DEAR GOD NO!" exclaims George W. Bush.

His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits weeping, head in hands.

Finally the President, devastated, looks up and asks....

"Exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Newlyweds

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. "I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess...

 

Smallcox?"

Dangerous Food

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

"Wedding Cake."

Mozart

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognisable music coming from the grave.Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realisation of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing

Ponderings

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say "hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your arse?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

Flying Blonde

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first class seats.

Seeing that the first class seats appear to be larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies, " I am young, blonde and beautiful, and going to sit here all the way to New York".

Flustered the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the cap tain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again The blonde replies, "I am young, blonde and beautiful, and going to sit here all the way to New York". The captain does not want to cause a commotion, and returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.

The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can tak e care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear.She immediately gets up, and says "Thanks you so much", hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section.

The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together they ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replied " I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York".

TV Gaffes

MICHAEL BUERK on BBC watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

KEN BROWN commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE HALLETT discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

JACK BURNICLE was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

CHRIS TARRANT discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

STEWART MACHIN on Winning Post, commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS KING discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

CRICKETER NEIL FAIRBROTHER hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

CLAIR FRISBY talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES ALLEN interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

STEVE RYDER covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

BROUGH SCOTT'S commentary at Doncaster racecourse may have been about the new stand: "My word," he said, "look at that magnificent erection!"

WILLIE CARSON was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

METRO RADIO - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

HARRY CARPENTER at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

NEW ZEALAND Rugby commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

PAT GLENN - Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!”

CARENZA LEWIS about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it!"

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

A FEMALE news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard

Zen Type thoughts for the day...

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tyre.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of loan repayments.

10. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt... then things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age eleven.

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

WOMEN'S ARSE SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ARSES. I thought the results were pretty interesting:

25% of women think their ARSE is too fat...

10% of women think their ARSE is too skinny...

The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man,and they would have married him anyway.

These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school district...
(Spellings have been left intact.)

1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT! TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.

2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT.

3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.

4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.

5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.

6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.

7-- CARLOS WAS ABSEN YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.

8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.

9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.

10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.

11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT > YESTERDAY. HE HAD(DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT].

12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.

13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.

14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT.

15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.

16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.

17-- SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL.

18-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES.

19-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.

20-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.

21-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.

22-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER! THE DOCTOR.

23-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER.. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.

Puzzling jigsaw

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says:

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says: "Second, I want you to relax". "Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..."

He sighed.........

 

"... and then, we'll put all the Frosties back in the box."

How to choose a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the m an. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

**************************

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer' s research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

******************************

A pair of jumper leads walks into a bar. The bartender says, I'll serve you, but don't start anything...

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road...

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before..

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Things that make blokes proud of themselves!

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

Harley Davidson versus Honda
Never heard the two together? Click here for a 2.23MB PPS file to find out.

Blokes letter to agony aunt

Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs ... phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't Know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked her mobile phone up just to see what time it was. She went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my 2006 Yamaha R1 motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my Yamaha R1, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil............ ........... ...........

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Biker and the Little Old Lady:

A husky biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He also stopped by the feed store and livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the >store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this stuff."

The lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk her home.

On the way he said "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know >that when we get into the alley you won't hold me up against the wall and have your way with me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady, I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

FRANK

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more"......."He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some bloke then" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his widow."

The Amazing Claude

It was entertainment night at the Day Centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting.

Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch . . ". The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the Hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT", said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Day Centre

Being British

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.

Oh and...... Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain.. do people order double cheeseburgers, large chips and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain.. do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION... 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control Scalextric cars.

And finally......... In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

I am proud to be British

********************

Crickets Greatest Sledges...

1 Rod Marsh & Ian Botham: When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my kids?"

2. Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne: As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

3. Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo Brandes): "Hey Eddo, why are you so F***ing Fat?" Eddo Brandes: "Because everytime I F*** your wife, she throws me a biscuit"

4. Robin Smith & Merv Hughes: During 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith after he played & missed: "You can't f***ing bat". Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f***ing bat & you can't f***ing bowl."

5. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad: During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

6. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards: During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say f*** off."

7. And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney..."You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat ****!!!"

8. James Ormond had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh....... MW : "F*** me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for England" JO : "Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family"

9. McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan: "So what does Brian Lara's d*** taste like?" Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife." McGrath (losing it): "If you ever f***ing mention my wife again, I'll F***ing rip your F***ing throat out."

10. Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player (Adam Parore) comes to the crease playing & missing the first ball. Mark "Ohh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were s**t then, you're f***ing useless now". Parore- (Turning around) "Yeah, that's me & when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly sl*t & now I hear you've married her. "

11. Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up,"Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it."

12. Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times.
Marshall : "Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"

13. Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip, and right between Raman Subba Row's legs.
Fred doesn't say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly. "I should've kept my legs together, Fred". "So should your mother" he replied.

*************************

A WOMANS POEM

He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

My biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do..

I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked him...

Like his Mother used to do.

***************************

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

**********************

A truck driver was driving along on a trunk road. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of fuel."

**********************

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

************************

A lady was shopping for a turkey at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied," No ma'am they're dead."

***********************

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, instead he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

*************************

IT WAS GOOD

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQs . He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing,swimming and BBQ's on the beach,and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages,steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke- to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created mates, and God saw that they were good blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... well .. almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas -to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, To cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good. It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!

************************

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

**********************

When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

***********************

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

**************************

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc. "tastes exactly like the real thing", they won't know any difference.

*****************************

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

**************************

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought. They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps.

They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I Golf left-handed." One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?" She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45.

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Sydney Morning Herald Monday, June 15th 1999:

"An employee for Ansett Australia, who happened to have the last name of GAY, got on a plane recently using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs.

However, when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a paying passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat. Unknown to Mr. Gay, another Ansett Australia flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this other flight were being re-routed to various aeroplanes. A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped".

Ansett officials, armed with a list of these "freebie" ticket holders boarded the plane to remove the free ticket holders. Of course, our Mr. Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember. So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr. Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer "Are you Gay? The man shyly nodded that he was at which point she demanded: "Then you have to get off the plane".

Mr. Gay, overhearing what the Ticket Agent had said, tried to clear up the situation: "You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay! This caused an angry third passenger to yell, "Hell, I'm gay too! They can't kick us all off!" Confusion reined as more and more passengers began yelling that Ansett Australia had no right to remove gays from their flights.

Ansett refused to comment on the incident.

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HOW TO WASH THE CAT

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he can't escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a power wash and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The Dog

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."

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3 kids are playing in the street & get hit by a garbage truck. They all go to heaven and God says to them, "You weren't supposed to die you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you, I'll let you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump off of that cloud over there, and as you're flying back down to Earth, shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be."

The 1st kid takes a running leap and shouts "I want to be an attorney." And so, 20 yrs later, he is a very successful lawyer, making lots of money, with an upcoming appointment to the Supreme Court.

The 2nd kid takes his turn and shouts "I want to be a brain surgeon." And so, 20 years later, he is the most admired man in his field of medicine and making a ton of money saving lives.

The 3rd kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and stumbles off the cloud muttering ". Stupid clumsy twat." And so, 20 years later ..he's playing left back for Crystal Palace...

*********************

A man boards a plane and is lucky enough to find himself sitting next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my names Jill, what's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

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Q. Why do people take an instant dislike to Millwall? A. It saves time.

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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general...all in the name of humour."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

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VET

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet, he asks the vet, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?". "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him.". The vet picks the dog up, examines his eyes, then checks his teeth, finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down.". "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" asks the alarmed owner. "No," replies the vet, "he's really heavy."

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A guy visits the doctor

(1)... Patient: "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside" Doctor: "How's that?" Patient: "Don't you start" A guy visits the doctor
(2)... Patient: "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." Doctor: "Well you can't say fairer than that then." A guy visits the doctor
(3)... Patient: "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." Doctor: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." Patient: "Is it common?" Doctor: "It's not unusual."
(4)... A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts... Patient: "Doc, can you help me?" Psychiatrist: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

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Two cows standing next to each other in a field... Daisy: "I was artificially inseminated this morning." Dolly: "I don't believe you," Daisy: "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

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LABELS

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products;

1. On a blanket from Taiwan:NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists:REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo:USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink:AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (Good idea)
5. On a New Zealand insect spray:THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer:TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids: LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles:OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins:WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer:DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos:YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap:DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
15. On a Korean kitchen knife:WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)
17. On a Japanese food processor:NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts:WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)
20. On a Swedish chainsaw:DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child's superman costume:WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners:SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST. 23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine:DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nytol sleep aid:WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)

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KEEGAN

Some corkers from the master tactician: " They're the second best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that, " said - who else ? - Kevin Keegan, when asked to comment on Argentina's qualities last week. All of which reminded us of 15 other fantastic Keegan quotes that we feel the need to share with you:

(1) " England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second-to-none. "
(2) " It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket - every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card. "
(3) " I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona. "
(4) " England can end the millennium as it started - as the greatest football nation in the world. "
(5) " You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw. "
(6) " He's using his strength and that is his strength, his strength. "
(7) " Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice. "
(8) " The tide is very much in our court now. "
(9) " Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose. "
(10) " I came to Nantes 2 years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's totally different. "
(11) " I know what is around the corner - I just don't know where the corner is. But the onus is on us to perform and we must control the bandwagon. "
(12) " In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg. "
(13) " The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful. "
(14) " It's understandable that people are keeping one eye on the pot and another up the chimney. "
(15) " I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half-time. "

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Football Ticket

Harry has been trying like mad to get a ticket for a league game for his mate, an exile who is coming to visit. In spite of numerous calls and visits to the Charlton ticket office, he constantly receives the same reply: "Sorry, sir. The ground is absolutely sold out. There's not a single seat left, so there's no way we can give you a ticket." Finally, he gives up in despair, and his mate cancels his visit.

The day of the match comes, and he goes along and sits in his usual East Stand seat. The match gets off to a slow start and, glancing around him, he notices a few seats further on, an old man sitting with an empty seat next to him. He returns his attention to the game but by half-time, this is bugging him so much that he has to ask about it. So he leans over to the old bloke and says, "Excuse me, but why is that seat next to you empty? I've been trying for weeks to get a ticket for a mate of mine who was coming from overseas and I couldn't get one. And now I come here and find there's an empty seat just a few along from mine!"

The old man sighs, and answers wistfully, "It was my wife's. We've been coming to the match together for over forty years, but she died this week."

The younger man is taken aback and stammers embarrassed, "Oh, I'm sorry, mate. How tactless can you get? I wish I'd never opened my mouth. But, surely, you've got kids, or relatives or someone that could've come along and kept you company, so you weren't all on your own at such a sad time?"

The old man replies, "Oh, I've got six kids, and loads of relatives, and I asked them all. But they all wanted to go to the funeral."

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Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys? A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?


Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time ? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere

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QUIZ ANSWERS!!!

BIG QUIZ (LBC) Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court. Contestant: Lepers.

QUIZMANIA (ITV) Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'. Contestant: Doctor. Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango. 'T' for Tintinnabulation. Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.

DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM) Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year? Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue. Kelly: OK. What do beans come in? Contestant: Cartons?

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is? Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point. Theakston: There's a clue in the title. Contestant: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World? Contestant: I don't know. White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow? Contestant: Arm. White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . . .? Contestant: Strong. White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name? Contestant: Louis. White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World? Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS) Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy? Contestant: France. Trelinski: France is another country. Try again. Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm. Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon? Contestant: Sorry, I don't know. Trelinski: Just guess a country then. Contestant: Paris.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2) Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'? Contestant: Homosexuals. Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2) Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party? Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON) DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope? Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

RICHARD AND JUDY (ITV/C4) Q: How many wheels are there on a unicycle? A: Three.

THE WEAKEST LINK Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet? Contestant: Jool carriageway?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name? Contestant: Goosey, goosey?

RICHARD AND JUDY Q: How many metres are there in a kilometre? A: Three.

GWR FM (Bristol) Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963? Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

TALKSPORT Andy Townsend: How many wheels does a tricycle have? Caller: Two. Townsend: The Beatles were known as the Fab . . .? Caller: Five.

24 HOUR QUIZ (ITV) Unseen questionmaster: Who sang the song 'Je t'aime' with Jane Birkin? Two contestants (given a choice of three answers): Jacques Chirac.

RICHARD AND JUDY Q: Which Danish city is famous for its statue of a mermaid? A: Denmark.

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND) Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...? Caller: Mohicans.

QUIZMANIA Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'. Contestant: Grandfather. Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else. Contestant: Panda.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER) Phil: What's 11 squared? Contestant: I don't know. Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle. Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman? A: Forrest Gump.

WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? Tarrant (asking the audience): 'Jambon' is the French for which food? Audience: 11 per cent said jam.

RICHARD AND JUDY Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live? Contestant: Er . . . Leslie: He makes bread .. . Contestant: Er . . . Leslie: He makes cakes .. . Contestant: Kipling Street?

NATION VACATION (NATION 217 TV) Presenter: Which of these is a city in Germany: Hanoi, Hanover or Hangover? Contestant: Hanoi.

MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND) Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated? Contestant: Erm .. . Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964. Contestant: 1965?

SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV) Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held? Contestant: Six. Tufnell: Higher! Contestant: Five.

RICHARD AND JUDY Q: What's the Prince of Wales's Christian name? A: Err . . . Q: Here's a clue: he was married to Diana. A: Err . . . Q: It begins with a 'C'. A: No idea.

MAGIC FM Graham Dene: What was the name of Tony Blair's chief spin-doctor who resigned last year? Contestant: Iain Duncan Smith.

FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV) Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT. Team: Chedpit.

LINCS FM PHONE-IN Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? Contestant: Barcelona. Presenter: I was really after the name of a country. Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total? Contestant: 23.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM) Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest? Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?

THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT) Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'. Contestant: Ghana. Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean. Contestant: New Zealand.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1) Question: What is the world's largest continent? Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM (PRESTON) Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci. Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE VAULT (ITV) Melanie Sykes: In which European city was the first opera house opened in 1637? Contestant: Sydney.

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV) Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918? Contestant: Magna Carta.

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC) O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry? Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er . . . er . . . three?

NATIONAL LOTTERY Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what? Contestant: Jelly.

RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2) Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory? Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?

BLIND DATE (ITV) Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen. Boy: Charlotte Bronte.

STEVE PENK BREAKFAST SHOW (VIRGIN RADIO) Steve Penk: What is the name of the French-speaking Canadian state? Contestant: America? Portugal? Canada? Mexico? Italy? Spain?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL) Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna? Caller: Japan. Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again. Caller: Er . . . Mexico?

OWEN MONEY SHOW (BBC RADIO WALES) Owen Money: In 30 seconds, name as many well-known politicians as you can. Caller: Er, Tony Brown. And Nigel Benn. (Silence.)

KELLY TODAY (ITV) Lorraine Kelly: How many days in a leap year? Contestant: 253.

THE VAULT Gabby Logan: What is the county town of Kent? Contestant: Kentish Town?

DOG EAT DOG (BBC1) Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings? Contestant: Enid Blyton

DAVE LEE TRAVIS SHOW (BREEZE FM) DLT: In which European country are there people called Walloons? Contestant: Wales.

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE) Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last? Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

NATIONAL LOTTERY Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing . .. what? Contestant: Basketball.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place? Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?

SEE HEAR SATURDAY (BBC2) Presenter: What country does the spiritual leader the Dalai Lama come from? Contestant: Scotland.

JANICE FORSYTH SHOW (BBC RADIO SCOTLAND) Janice Forsyth: What is the currency in India? Contestant: Ramadan.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels? Contestant: Holland? Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet. Contestant: Iceland? Ireland? Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel? Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR) Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible? Contestant: Er . . . Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . . Contestant: Blimey? Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . . Contestant: (Silence) Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . . Contestant: Walked?

NATIONAL LOTTERY Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea: a) Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea? Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now, Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea.

THE VAULT Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time? Contestant: Nostalgic.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB) Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes? Contestant: Jewish. Presenter: That's close enough.

BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ (LBC) Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons? Contestant: Four.

BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1 Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes? Contestant: Ummm .. . Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'. Contestant: Shark.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2) Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play? Contestant: Jesus.

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Tommy Cooper classics

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then"

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said "well don't go there any more" I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

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From the Edinburgh Fringe 2005

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t. Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening.. Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. Jeremy Limb, at the Trap I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have though the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax. Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
Milton Jones at the Underbelly.

*************************

GOLF

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!! Then POOF!......she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows." Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"

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Notable Quotes

01) "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." - (Sharon Stone)

02) "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." - (Courtney Cox - Monica on "Friends")

03) "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." - (Jerry Garcia - Grateful Dead)

04) "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - (Barbara Bush Former US First Lady)

05) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - (Robin Williams)

06) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - (Billy Crystal)

07) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." - (Rod Stewart)

08) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." - (Bruce Willis - On the difference between men and women)

09) "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." (George Burns)

10) "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." - (Carmen Boyle - Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)

11) "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." (Henry Kissinger - former US Secretary of State)

12) "My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading." - (Steve Jobs - Founder: Apple Computers)

13) "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - >the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - (Dan Rather - News anchorman)

14) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?" - (Arnold Schwarzenegger)

15) "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - (Tiger Woods)

16) "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be >devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - (Axel Rose-Guns'n'Roses)

17) "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - (Rev. Jesse >Jackson)

18) "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."- (Jack Nicholson)

19) Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - (Roseanne)

20) According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful. - (Robert De Niro)

21) In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? - (Hugh Grant)

22) There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? - (Dustin Hoffman)

23) When the sun comes up, I have morals again - (Elizabeth Taylor)

24) There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, "I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." - (Jerry >Seinfield)

25) AND THE NUMBER ONE QUOTE IS: See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. - (Robin Williams)

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Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.

The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm "Scouse eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and they have managed to nick a motorbike already."

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This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things.

Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued...and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the Insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART.........

After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the Insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own Insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA!!!

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "Whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still,nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off,throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mum. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mum, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the dishes!"

******************************************************

FOR ALL EMPLOYEES WHO WORK WITH RUDE CUSTOMERS!!!


Hopefully, this is a true story. Indeed, an award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being customer focused, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

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The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night-clubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

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This is a real letter of complaint received by NTL customer services Complaint Letter of the Year.

The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your Internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - w*****rs though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

John Dennis King